From the Intrepid Reporter Dept of Hilarious Shit
Congratulations citizens of Louisville’s 5th district, precincts N104, N105, N107, and N109. You’ve successfully banned alcohol sales in your community.
Unfortunately, you never read the fine print of the ballot, because if you did, well, just take a look:
“Do you want liquor sales in Precinct N xxx of District 5?”***
*** — Ban on liquor will include all alcohol sales as well as sales of wine, wine coolers, bourbon, vodka, bottled water, soda, orange juice, lemonade, Gatorade, Powerade, Red Bull, beef jerky, potato chips, chip dip, Oreos, Nilla Wafers, string cheese, steaks, chicken products, ground beef, corned beef, salami, bubble gum, bubble baths, glass cleaner, floor cleaner, mops, sponges, floss, tooth brushes, tooth paste, tooth whiteners, hand soap, body soap, deodorant, drywall, paint thinner, nails, hammers, irons, ironing boards, dish washing soap, laundry detergent, fabric softener, DVDs, VCRs, all copies of Airplane I, II, and the entire Naked Gun trilogy, the 25th anniversary copy DVD of “All in the Family”, burned DVD copies of Britney Spears lip syncing (though YouTube use is still allowed), K-Fed products, space heaters, space burners, Spaceballs (the movie — Rick Moranis movies tend to make the neighborhood violent), large-screen TVs, flat-screened TVs, TVs from 1975 with the CBS logo burned in, all copies of Senator Mitch McConnell’s 1978 hit song “That’s my Mitchee”, all pictures of Denny Crum dancing with Marcia Brady of “The Brady Bucnh” in the episode shot at King’s Island in Mason, Ohio, tires, rims, any sort of hydraulics, window scrapers, window washers, windows, wind (no, they don’t sell it yet, but it could be dangerous), clipboards, clip art, clippadoos (when they’re created), Alka Seltzer, all manifestos written by people with four names, and all memorabilia from the 1950 University of Kentucky Sagarin computer rankings national football champions team. Members of District 5 have determined all these could be detrimental to the safety of our neighborhood.