What was that, again, about us being the only folks to criticize Rand Paul, mouth-breathers? [C-J/AKN]

Didn’t take long for CoventryCares to resume coverage of that addiction drug. [Business First]

Whaaaaat? An undercover gay bathhouse spy was endorsed by Michele Beard Bachmann? Nope, it’s not her husband! This is getting more and more interesting. [Wonkette]

This story about Morehead State will literally make you pee your pants while laughing. [H-L]

Here’s a nice look at how Louisvillians will be screwed by the Louisville Water Company and Metro Sewer District. BEND OVER AND GRAB YOUR ANKLES! [C-J/AKN]

Really, you can’t even sit at home in Lexington without having your home invaded these days. [WKYT]

In Pennsylvania, there’s an industrial revolution going on. Battalions of drilling rigs are boring into the earth to extract natural gas from an underground layer of shale called the Marcellus formation. And as the wells multiply all along the western end of the state, people worry they may be facing another toxic legacy. [NPR]

On April 8th Envisat, Europe’s largest Earth-observing satellite, unexpectedly stopped talking to its users on the Earth below. Since then those users have been frantically trying to re-establish contact. [The Economist]

The House GOP leadership is moving swiftly to try to change the Violence Against Women Act to earn support from outside groups and gain passage on the floor. [Politico]

Doesn’t look like President Barack Obama’s decision to say he doesn’t hate the gays had much of an impact on polling. [Daily Kos]

The agreement over voting on amendments to the Export-Import Bank reauthorization legislation is a good example of how bills will make their way through the Senate, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said Tuesday. [The Hill]

Is Thomas Massie a big time jobs creator? Not so much. And he’s following directly in Rand Paul’s hypocritical footsteps. [Page One Here & Here]

Here’s the transcript of remarks:

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you! (Applause.) Thank you very much. Everybody, have a seat. Have a seat. Welcome to the White House, and congratulations to the Kentucky Wildcats on your 8th national championship. (Applause.) Eighth national champ — that’s not bad. (Laughter.) That’s not bad. Although, this is the first in 14 years.

Now, this was the fourth year that I filled out my bracket on ESPN. And what I’ve learned is that if I make the right picks, I look like a genius. But if things go the other way, then a team like Kentucky gets to come to my house and remind me, in person, that I was wrong. (Laughter.) So it is a double-edged sword.

Of course, I knew Kentucky was good. I had them in the championship game. But in the end, I thought, they got all these freshmen. These guys are too young. (Laughter.) And keep in mind, at this time last year, three of the Wildcats’ five starters were still in high school. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist couldn’t even vote yet. (Laughter.)

But let’s face it, sometimes talent trumps experience. And sometimes, a bunch of young players, even if they’re used to being big fishes in their ponds, even if they’ve never played together before, they can buy into a system, they understand the concept of team, and they do something special right away. And that’s exactly what happened in Kentucky.

Read the rest after the jump…

Of course, a lot of credit for that goes to their outstanding coach, Coach Calipari. (Applause.) My understanding is, when he recruited these players, Coach started off by asking them some simple questions: Do you want to win a national title? The answer was yes, apparently. (Laughter.) Can you do it by yourself? The answer was no. He took a roster with six former All-Americans and got them to do something even more impressive, and that was share the ball. So you had six players average double figures in points this year; nobody averaged more than nine shots a game. If you didn’t play defense, you didn’t play.

And as a result, the Wildcats started winning. At one point, they won 24 straight. They spent the final eight weeks of the season ranked number one. They cruised through the tournament, trailed for less than 10 minutes total, before beating Kansas in front of 70,000 fans at the Super Dome. (Applause.) So that’s a pretty good run.

Most importantly, though, they did it as a team. And nobody, I think, was a better example of that than Anthony Davis, who — everybody kept on remarking on it. Nobody has ever seen somebody who didn’t have a lot of field goals and yet still controlled the game. Still ended up being the most valuable player — racked up sixteen rebounds, six blocks, three steals. That doesn’t count all the intimidation factor — (laughter) — that the other team had to go through. Of course, that’s what happens when you grow eight inches between your sophomore and senior years of high school. In fact, he has grown an inch since he got to the White House. (Laughter.) His pants are already like this. (Laughter.) Just got a new suit. (Laughter.)

When Anthony needed help, Doron Lamb stepped up, dropping 22 points in the biggest game of his career. (Applause.) First off the bench, Darius Miller, who became — (applause) — the first player in Kentucky history to be named Mr. Basketball, win a state championship in high school and win a national title with the Wildcats. (Applause.) I’m pretty sure Coach Cal is right that if Darius decides to run for governor he’ll do all right in Kentucky. (Laughter.) I also want to congratulate Darius and Eloy Vargas for getting their diplomas on Sunday. That’s worth a big round of applause. (Applause.)

And I want to congratulate them for doing their share of community service in the Lexington community — from packing backpacks full of food for kids who don’t have enough, to raising money for tornado victims.

So these guys do it all. Everybody’s got to take a good look now, because a whole bunch of these guys are going on to the NBA. Who knows, one of them might end up here in Washington. We’ll take him. (Applause.)

Coach Cal is back on the recruiting trail, and if the next group of Wildcats is anything like this one, then I might see them again sometime soon.

So congratulations again to all the fans, to all the faculty, to all the — everybody who helps to make Kentucky such an outstanding university. Most of all, congratulations to the team and to coach Calipari. (Applause.)

COACH CALIPARI: Thank you very much. Mr. President, on behalf of the Big Blue Nation, the Commonwealth of Kentucky, we are honored and humbled to be here. This team, when they won that championship on that court in New Orleans, they were jumping up and down not saying, “We did it! We won!” They were saying, “We’re going to the White House! We’re going to the White House!” (Laughter.) Because they wanted to meet you.

As a member of our team, I’d like our seniors, Darius Miller, to give you his #1 jersey that he wore for four years. Eloy Vargas has a ball that the team has signed, and the young

– (laughter and applause.) There’s the #1 jersey.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s a good-looking jersey right there. (Applause.)

COACH CALIPARI: And the young guy from your home city of Chicago –

THE PRESIDENT: Chicago! (Laughter.)

COACH CALIPARI: — would like to present you with the 2012 National Championship ring, and it might say, it is the first. (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Look at that. Well, this is some nice gear. (Laughter.) I have to say, by the way, after the game, I called the coach and the team, and I mentioned to Anthony that I had actually been to his school, a small charter school in Chicago, when I was still a senator. And I had spoken to the kids there, and he told me, yes, I was there. (Laughter.) But I didn’t recognize him. He looked a little different apparently four years ago, so what a wonderful set of gifts. I appreciate that.

Did Richard Beliles finally wake up from his nap? ALEC is the least of the issues he should be complaining to Jack Conway about these days. Not that ALEC is puppies and rainbows or anything. [C-J/AKN]

Danville police arrested a man after he crashed his van into two buildings and then hitched a ride away from the scene Tuesday night. [WLEX18]

The poor economy is tied to a rise in domestic violence incidents, according to the latest survey. [HuffPo]

Mitch McConnell won’t be in Warshington to have funtimes with President Barack Obama and the University of Kentucky Wildcats on Friday. He’ll be in Kentucky playing horsey stuff– i.e., wining and dining people who will make him even richer. [The Hill]

Even the Frankfort paper is alarmed at the severity of Richie Farmer’s shenanigans. Still sad watching him fall apart. [State-Journal]

Mining minerals from astroids sounds crazy. Could it work? Is this what Newtpooper should have been talking about instead of his moon stuff? [The Economist]

Space commander Newt Gingrich has issued a special sad secret video communique from space with terrifying news from the future: “I want to take this opportunity to give you an insider advance notice that…” — WHAT IS IT, WE HATE SUSPENSE — “…on Wednesday, I’ll be officially suspending the campaign.” [Wonkette]

A man in Frankfort was arrested for being on Washington’s most-wanted list. Unfortunately, he was not a legislator. [H-L]

Lawwwwd, you can’t even go to Walmart in Georgetown these days without getting robbed in the parking lot. Tell your meemaw to watch herself! [WKYT]

Aww, Mittens Romney was ashamed that one of his aides/advisors was super-gay. Everybody feel sorry for him, because the gay. [WaPo]

This is how embargoes should be used, state government folks. Only when there’s a serious threat to security. [HuffPo]

During last evening’s 4th District GOP debate, both Gary Moore and Alecia Webb-Edgington pledged to continue funding headstart programs and both emphasized the importance of early childhood education. Thomas Massie? He said he wouldn’t and blamed illiteracy on parents. Even went so far as to blame family break-ups on taxes. We’re left wondering who beat Massie so hard with the stupid stick. Was it Rand Paul? Maybe the curb stomper guy? Hoo boy. [Stupidity Should Hurt]

At the dawn of the Internet era, Congress set out to avert a digital divide between rich and poor students. In a landmark bill, lawmakers required the nation’s phone companies to provide bargain voice and data rates to schools and to subsidize the cost of equipment and services, with the biggest subsidies going to the schools with the most disadvantaged children. More than a decade later, as schools struggle for funding amid widespread budget cuts, there is growing evidence that the program’s crucial low-price requirement has been widely neglected by federal regulators and at least one telecom giant. [HuffPo]

The Kentucky Public Service Commission is set to decide soon whether American Electric Power can keep burning coal at an eastern Kentucky power plant. [WFPL]

And the demand for coal for U.S. coal is plummeting. According to analysts, it may never recover. [The Atlantic]

On Friday, May 4, President Obama will welcome the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team to the White House to celebrate their 2012 NCAA championship. [Press Release]

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has identified at least three businesses that may be responsible for cleaning up toxic waste at the former Black Leaf chemical site in Louisville’s Park Hill neighborhood, two of which have agreed to work with the EPA to help make the property safe. [C-J/AKN]

Maybe Glenn Kessler of the Washington Post needs a reality check? Because the bridges situation in Louisville isn’t puppies and rainbows, as he’d have you believe. Most of Kentucky’s bridges are falling apart. [WaPo]

Why does Andy Barr continue to half-ass his second campaign against Ben Chandler? The latest polling shows him 24 points behind Chandler. [WLEX18]

Of course Mittens Romney has a Swiss bank account. Of course he does. [HuffPo]

Just a reminder that the government doesn’t have any money because you are fat as hell and rip toilets off the wall. [Wonkette]

Some things with Greg Fischer’s Metro Animal Services mess will never change. The latest is just kind of sad. [The 'Ville Voice]

You know you want to win a fancy copy of Jim Higdon’s Cornbread Mafia! Go enter ASAP and consider supporting his Kickstarter project to take the book on tour. [Page One]

A former emergency manager in Laurel County was sentenced Wednesday to 18 months in prison and ordered to pay $241,000 in restitution in a federal fraud case, according to U.S. Attorney Kerry B. Harvey’s office. [H-L]

George Zimmerman was arrested and charged with second-degree murder. That’s not the end of the story, nope. But it means the justice system is doing it’s job. [HuffPo]

You think race isn’t an issue in the United States? You need a serious wake up call. [WaPo]

Can you imagine how hilarious it would be if Lindsay Graham really were a vice presidential pick? Oh, the mouth-breather closet case jokes we wish we could use. [Wonkette]

A federal jury convicted two people in Breathitt County on charges of conspiracy and vote-buying. Way to go, Eastern Kentucky. [H-L]

If you aren’t outraged over the good old boy corruption at KET, you are completely desensitized to the shenanigans in state government. [Page One]

Papaw Beshear line item vetoed 45 things in the state budget and people are about to foam at the mouth. [C-J/AKN]

Of course the White House is punting on a key executive order banning contractors from discrimination against the gays. If you expected anything different, you certainly have no political sense. Republicans and Democrats do things like this like it’s no big deal. [HuffPo]

Remember when that sports thing happened? The NCAA trophy is apparently being toured around the state. [WFPL]

According to the latest polling data, President Barack Obama is trusted more by the American people than Mittens Romney when it comes to taxes. [Daily Kos]

Mittens Romney’s “foreign policy” isn’t just hawkish, it’s murky. We can’t wait to see how his sister wives get put to use. [Reuters]

Pro-tip: this SuperPAC filing may be new but the group is not. And it’s not being put together to just aid Mitch McConnell. [WFPL]

Maybe Steve Nunn and his father were just crazier than anyone ever thought? What a hot mess. [H-L]

You already know that Congress is risking real disaster. You don’t need the IRS to tell you so. [HuffPo]

Ummmmm. University of Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino has been placed on paid administrative leave by the university, after he failed to disclose that 25-year-old Jessica Dorrell, a recent hire to the football staff, was his motorcycle companion during last Sunday’s crash that put him in a neck brace. The university plans to conduct a full investigation and then decide on further punishment for Petrino, the former head coach of the Atlanta Falcons. What a skank Bobby Petrino is. UofL has a nice track record of hiring gross old men, it seems. [Deadspin]

How did the mainstream know West Liberty was getting funds merely to plan a redesign? It received a press release. Otherwise no one would have bothered. Don’t worry, the mainstream won’t be able to tell you how local elected officials are already causing uproar with waste, fraud and abuse. [C-J/AKN]

What? Humans stole mammoths from from hunting lions more than 10,000 years ago? But we thought the Earth was created 5,000 years ago because Jesus or something? [BBC]

Because Lexington wants to burn everything else down, it’s holding some sort of crazy block party tonight. [H-L]

Marcus Bachmann has a weird secret for Michele Beard Bachmann. It’s probably exactly what you’re thinking. Likely involves lots of glitter, hot pants, a Chanel clutch and guurrrrrrrl, look at those shoes. [Wonkette]

Okay, it’s sad that someone was injured. But absolutely hilarious that a turkey flew into a windshield. [WKYT]

Families without millions struggle to afford free-market health care. Something Mittens Romney will never understand. [HuffPo]

Greg Fischer promised to be something new when he was narrowly elected mayor of Louisville. Turns out? He’s more of the same, continuing to spend nearly $500,000 on outside attorneys for such asshats as the disgraced former Metro Animal Services directors. [The 'Ville Voice]

How is Muslin Witch Lady Michelle Obama taking the Jesus out of Easter now? SHE IS RUINING EASTER. HIDE YOUR KIDS. [Wonkette]

Don’t act like you’re shocked to hear the 99.99% fat, white Republican Party feels that there’s been too much media attention on the Trayvon Martin tragedy. [Politico]

Things aren’t so rosy on the jobs front in Eastern Kentucky. Specifically in Pike County, where 130 jobs at a single company were just cut. [H-L]

Of course it’s Mitch McConnell appointing a man who attacks U.S. Muslims to the U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom. [WaPo]

Basically, Steve Beshear is going to appoint Irv Maze to an open Court of Appeals spot. [C-J/AKN]

Come on, Morehead, can we quit it with embarrassing people who do things like have stand-offs with police? [WLEX18]

The rest of the civilized world just sort of rolls its eyes at the United States for not having a form of universal health care. [The Economist]

Does anyone in Kentucky even have Current TV? We thought it was something that Al Gore was playing pat-a-cake with in San Francisco or whatever. [NPR]

Internet freedom starts at home and the United States needs to practice what it preaches online. [Public Policy]

Mittens Romney says President Barack Obama will end Medicare. Maybe we should all start wearing adult diapers until the November election. Pee alerts galore. [HuffPo]

On Saturday, the Obama Campaign will open its field office in Louisville. Which, well, doesn’t really mean anything, unfortunately. [Press Release]

The owner of the West Virginia mine where 29 men died in an explosion two years ago on Thursday says it will begin to permanently seal the mine soon and finish the job by summer. [WKYT]

Lexington residents are apparently concerned that violent sports-related celebrations will hurt that city’s image. [FOX41]

One wonders how many times he had to flash his chest to get all those beads.

Dang. Turns out Ronnie Ellis is in the middle of some health stuff. Keep him in your thoughts! He’s a Kentucky original. [Support Ronnie Ellis]

Binack Nobama called John Calipari to congratulate him for a sports thing. The mouth-breathers will go crazy over that. [H-L]

Aw, the House GOP is feeling so lonely for its old boyfriend Earmarks that it is going around Congress quietly surveying friends to see how mad everyone would be if it got back together with Earmarks. [Wonkette]

Reeeeechie Farmer, proof that someone shouldn’t be elected because they played basketball, reaped 55,000 hotel rewards points after an agriculture convention. He went out of his way – and had his staff assist – to make sure he received the rewards points. How wonderful. [C-J/AKN]

Dear Republicans: Quit pretending that the Paul Ryan “budget” is better than a field of cow poop. Not many Americans think it’s the equivalent of a turd blossom, according to the latest polling data. [Daily Kos]

Who wants to bet Louisville media will pay more attention to the tornado damage in Dallas, Texas than they have the disaster that hit Eastern Kentucky? [HuffPo]

New rules look set to speed the move from coal to natural gas. So you know King Coal is going to go crazy during this year’s presidential election. [The Economist]

Stories like this one – involving an alleged meth head who died during a drug raid – lead meemaw and poppop to believe there’s some epidemic because you can still buy Claritin D without a doctor’s prescription. It’s called fear-mongering. [WKYT]

Rockcastle County voted to reject alcohol sales yesterday. It’s almost as if the people in that county don’t believe people will just drive 15 minutes to buy booze in another county? Way to screw yourself out of a mountain of tax revenue, Rockcastle County. [H-L]

Here’s how we think of Mittens Romney: mormon cultist, sister wives, car elevator in a fancy house, massive flip-flopping that his staff admits, ROMNEYCARE. It’s going to be fun talking about all of that in November. [White Salamander Fun Times]

Remember a year or two ago when we told you about the horsey lady at the University of Louisville thieving money? Now UofL is on a mission to try to recover the $460,000 she admits to stealing. They’ll never get it. Just like they never got all the cash back from Robert Felner. [C-J/AKN]

The Commonwealth of Kentucky can be thankful for at least two other states for making it seem somewhat intelligent. Pennsylvania is kicking tons of kids off the Medicaid rolls and the mouth-breathing governor or Tennessee is going to sign a bill allowing teachers to tell students that evolution is the devil’s work or something. [HuffPo & More HuffPo]

Remember how Rick Perry was insane during debates? Then you’ll probably pee a little bit when you read this story about him, well, peeing. [Wonkette]

Campaign finance on a federal level is about to get a lot more dicey after this fancy ruling. [HuffPo]

Did Lexington maybe burn to the ground last night? Because local media there is 100% focused on how crazy people behaved. [WKYT]

Ronnie Ellis must have completely disappeared from CNHI papers. Was he abducted? He’s been MIA since February 24. [Missing Journalist Alert]

Maybe Louisvillians would be less angry at their embarrassingly bad mayor if he was winning awards for something other than his use of FACEBOOK AND TWITTER? Jesus H. [FOX41]

What do you do when you’re the mayor of the state’s largest city and have egg all over your face for sinking that city’s animal services agency into the ground while covering it up? Promote a different story like crazy and pretend to love animals. That’s what. [The 'Ville Voice]

Now Rand Paul wants to tour tornado-ravaged areas of Eastern Kentucky. Pro-tip: It’s now April. [H-L]

Oh, here you go, the national press is laughing at Kentucky as it goes insane over a basketball game. [HuffPo]

Remember when Rand Paul was queening out about energy efficient light bulbs? Turns out efficiency is a huge deal in the rest of the world. [The Economist]

The Robert Felner culture of corruption continues at the University of Louisville. No one bats an eyelash. [Page One]

You know you have a serious problem in your state when your governor tells the press that a basketball victory will “help with economic development” and puts the state on an “international stage.” [Twitter]

Mitch McConnell is queening out yet again. This time? It’s bad for President Barack Obama to speak out about the Supreme Court but it’s okay for Mitch to do so. [Politico]