Tea & Crackers: The Rascal & Rand Paul Story

OH GOD.

HAHAHA.

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It’s taken three trips to Kentucky, but I’m finally getting my Tea Party epiphany exactly where you’d expect: at a Sarah Palin rally. The red-hot mama of American exceptionalism has flown in to speak at something called the National Quartet Convention in Louisville, a gospel-music hoedown in a giant convention center filled with thousands of elderly white Southerners.

-SNIP-

Scanning the thousands of hopped-up faces in the crowd, I am immediately struck by two things. One is that there isn’t a single black person here. The other is the truly awesome quantity of medical hardware: Seemingly every third person in the place is sucking oxygen from a tank or propping their giant atrophied glutes on motorized wheelchair-scooters. As Palin launches into her Ronald Reagan impression — “Government’s not the solution! Government’s the problem!” — the person sitting next to me leans over and explains.

“The scooters are because of Medicare,” he whispers helpfully. “They have these commercials down here: ‘You won’t even have to pay for your scooter! Medicare will pay!’ Practically everyone in Kentucky has one.”

A hall full of elderly white people in Medicare-paid scooters, railing against government spending and imagining themselves revolutionaries as they cheer on the vice-presidential puppet hand-picked by the GOP establishment. If there exists a better snapshot of everything the Tea Party represents, I can’t imagine it.

RASCAL SCOOTERS!

You have to read the rest of the hilarity from Matt Taibbi.

P.S. Here’s what Lexington’s own political genius and business expert/former stripper (she’ll never deny it cause it’s true) had to say:

In Lexington, I pose the same question to Mica Sims, a local Tea Party organizer. “You as a private-property owner have the right to refuse service for whatever reason you feel will better your business,” she says, comparing the Civil Rights Act to onerous anti-smoking laws. “If you’re for small government, you’re for small government.”

FEAR THE NON-WHITES!!1!

UPDATE: Sorry for not including a pee alert.