DUN DUN DUN. Happy Friday the 13th. What a perfect day to hand out some awards and celebrate an anniversary/birthday/immaculate conception. Three years ago, in hell, this mess was borne of heathenous thoughts and bags of sucked things.

I can’t believe this is our third anniversary on the internets. Who knew that Page One, a name I sometimes still don’t like (Kentucky Chronicle is way better), would be even a nominal success? Certainly not me. But hells yes, I am elated to be here celebrating our third year of gaying everything up. Very happy to be Kentucky’s #1 political scandal sheet for fancy ladies and they menz.

Thank you all for continuing to trust us as Important Life Advice Coaches, for continuing to mash the refresh button every five seconds and for constantly leaving comments about how badly you hate us, amen.

On to the fun stuff!

The Inaugural Golden Poo Awards were pretty fun. Known WATB Keith Hall even got all huffy and returned his glorious trophy. This year’s poo throwing is sure to be just as much fun. So put on your waders.

Category 1: Person Responsible For Legislation (or Legislation-Related Mess) Requiring the Most Lubricant

While there are a lot of folks who deserve this award, I think we’ve gotta stick with the individual causing the most potential harm. This year’s winner is JEFF GREER. Greer wouldn’t so much as allow the payday loan sharking bill a hearing in the Banking & Insurance Committee. Which is pretty remarkable, considering the sheer number of people payday loan sharks have screwed in Kentucky. Greer cut a deal with the industry, as did Papaw Beshear, and sat on his hands. His reasoning? He wanted to wait on some data analysis from 2009.

While we’re at it, there’s another important question that needs to be answered: Why is Greer trying to get his divorce records sealed? Is it because they contain mention of prostitutes and strippers in the state capitol? Someone should find out.

Wanna see the other 12 categories? Then hit the rest up after the jump…

Category 2: Reporter Most Likely To Make You Kick Your Television, Burn Your Newspaper, Smash Your Radio Or Toss Your Computer

Holy crap. Who shouldn’t win this award? We received more comments and email nominations for this than any other category. But this year’s winner, while he’s done some excellent work in the past, has gotta be ANDY WOLFSON of A Kentucky Newspaper. He wins this award, hands-down, for that copy & paste job (or whatever it was he did) he “wrote” about Rand Paul’s many foibles. Even casual readers of Kentucky’s worst newspaper were shocked that Wolfson seemingly claimed credit for uncovering stories that were, you know, very old news.

Category 3: Most Pee-Worthy Abuse Of Twitter By A Political Figure Acting Like A 12-Year-Old Girl

Woah. Yet another category with loads of potential. From Shannon White to yours truly. There’s no topping the winner, though, because DAVID ADAMS is the indisputable worst. The fired Rand Paul campaign manager-turned-chairman-turned nothing is the obvious choice. David can’t flick his turn signal or dunk his tea bag without telling all of Twitter about it.

Category 4: Politician Most Likely To Be Investigated Or Indicted In The Next 12 Months

Commenters overwhelmingly nominated Louisville mayor and Beshear running mate Jerry Abramson. But he’s already been at the center of Crit Luallen’s scathing audit. Thankfully, email nominations were consistently for winner TODD HOLLENBACH. Primarily because everyone in Frankfort already knows two different branches of law enforcement, ethics and everyone under the sun is poking around on Toddy. The fact that he illegally fired Mary John Celletti and illegally hired a double-dipper in her place doesn’t help.

Category 5: Worst Example Of Total Incompetence From A Local Or State Official In An Appointed Post

The winner? HELEN MOUNTJOY, for that crap she pulled with the Owensboro Community and Technical College. Jesus H. What a disaster.

DISASTER. And folks here and there are scurrying like rats to try to whitewash everything.

I can’t even crack a joke about it.

Category 6: Elected Official, Appointee Or Contractor Responsible For The Most Flagrant & Vile Abuse Of Taxpayer Money

Woah, who should win this mess? This is Kentucky, land of waste, fraud and abuse. It’s a tough call.

Until you remember just how deserving the winner, JERRY ABRAMSON, happens to be. The man has single-handedly given so many millions to Cordish Cos. that 90% of Louisville shudders every time they hear about downtown development falling apart. From high six-figure (probably fraudulent, jesus) renovations of bowling alleys, to killing local competition, to trying to drown out entire neighborhoods of historic businesses? Jerry has done his level best to stifle progress while putting lipstick on a pig.

Hope you’re ready for him to be your Lieutenant Governator.

Category 7: Most Godawful Television Commercial From A Political Candidate Forever, Amen

If only Sylvia Lovely were a candidate with a commercial on the teevee. You know she’d win this one. But. Uh.

HELLO! ANDY BARR wins this handily. There’s no competition for his Gozirra-esque spot with weird voiceover track. Jim Newberry’s fancy lasercat commercial doesn’t even come close.

Category 8: Individual In Politics Or Media With The Worst Diarrhea Of The Mouth

Who the hell do we pick? Larry Forgy? Mitch McConnell? Rand Paul? Is it a waste of time to consider giving this one to Daniel Mongiardo– for his fancy anti-Beshear rants? Mark Riddle? Should David Adams win another one?

NOPE! This award goes to SYLVIA LOVELY, the Britney Spears of Kentucky. That woman can waste taxpayer dollars (without remorse, I might add) quicker than Jerry Abramson and can polish a turd faster than Greg Stumbo can remind you that he’s wearing cowboy boots. Seriously, what planet is that woman from? There are very few people who can take it up the you-know-what after one of the most scandalous state audits ever and still lie 24/7. Jesus.

Category 9: Positively Vomitous Case Of Of Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Oh my gosh. Is there even a competition here? RAND PAUL wins this. Without question.

From cutting all spending except his fancy Medicare and Medicaid dollars, demanding that the federal government step out of your lives unless you’re a gay or a woman, refusing to accept contributions from bailout supporters until he decides he really needs to flip-flop, demanding term-limits except for himself, attacking people for what they did in college and crying foul when the shoe is on the other foot… Really. Randy wins this one.

Category 10: Most Self-Serving “Public Servant” Who Gets Paid Lots Of Dough To Find Ways To Make Him/Herself Rich Off Public Projects

Ugh. I’m so burned out at the corruption that I fear this won’t be remotely funny. Should JCPS chief Sheldon Berman win for sitting on a virtual schools board for the sole purpose of making that company money from the coffers of Jefferson County Public Schools? Maybe Jim Ramsey for pocketing hundreds of thousands of dollars while foaming at the mouth? Tom Riner, for getting legislation passed that benefited only him? Maybe Jim Host should win for his fancy messes?

Nah, this award goes to LARRY CLARK, known hater of “faggots” and the guy who pushed the Museum Plaza legislation because it benefits his employer. Everybody is pissed that I’m running my mouth about a project I support, but come on. Larry not only came up with the legislation, he pushed it and lobbied for it. And he told fellow Democratic house members that they wouldn’t get caucus funding if they weren’t on board.

Now, the moment you have all been waiting for. A new category, created especially for one person in particular: Joe Arnold Commemorative WHAS11/Courier-Journal Bluegrass Poll conducted by SurveyUSA for WHAS11 and the Louisville Courier-Journal Award For Being The Individual In Traditional Media Responsible for Assaulting People With Wands

Jesus, how could we not? WFPL’s GABE BULLARD wins in a landslide, mainly because of scenes like this:

Gabe has hit so many people with a radio wand that we can’t keep count! So he wins. Big time. For outright assault. Really, the guy should be publicly reprimanded.

This one isn’t quite a category, really, but we ought to make it one: Crazy Person/Clown Responsible For Most Insane Blogger-Induced Fit Of Rage

Lexingtonian and all-around embarrassment clown DOUG MARTIN wins this golden poo category — and maybe a small clown statue — for his anger bear fit of profanity-based rage at Joe Sonka. It was such a hot mess that the Herald-Leader wrote about it. Martin has since lied about the event, despite it being witnessed by reporters, and has gone on to play a pivotal role in making Lexington’s city government appear worse than the Abramson Misadministration in Louisville. And that takes effort, kids.

This kinda-category is but an honorable mention: Most Prolific Use Of Corporate Boardroom Language By A Politician When Speaking To Voters

The award goes to failed U.S. Senate candidate and current Louisville mayoral candidate GREG FISCHER. Because of things like this. Because I have never once encountered him when he wasn’t giving an empty lecture about governing from the bottom up, which he doesn’t know how to do. Or telling a room of elected officials that they don’t know what a particular word means. And because he is so disconnected from the average Louisvillian that he has no idea what’s going on in the city. I mean, it’s a cold day in hell when the librul cityfolk support a Republican over a Democrat.

He should be sentenced to spending several months with Greg Stumbo so he might learn the Five Bs. Be Brief, Brother, Be Brief. Maybe his daddy could then buy him the patent for brevity.

Amen. Praise Aqua Buddha. Thanks for reading. You are welcome. Who knows? Maybe you can win an award next year.