Yeah, I linked to it this morning. But you’re gonna have to deal.

Because this response to the ‘Who Would Win?‘ contest between Jack Conway and Daniel Mongiardo is priceless.

Excerpts:

1. In a Cage Match: Jack by a landslide. He’s one tough son of a bitch.

-SNIP-

3. Beer Pong: The game between Jack and Dan started off strong, and it was anyone’s game. Then they started reminiscing of playing beer pong in college, got drunk, and decided to never again bring up the fact that they both went to colleges out of state. Five minutes later, Jack brought up the fact that Dan went to school in another country and Dan slapped him.

-SNIP-

5. In a Dance off: Jack showed up and amazed everyone by doing all of the Backstreet Boys dances. Don’t ask. Dan was impressed, hurt, and committed himself to learning all of the NSYNC dances. He missed several meetings that were seemingly important, but followed through and learned the dances.

6. Sucking An Egg Through a Water Hose: Jack wouldn’t start the competition without a 100% assurance that the egg was from a farm raised chicken fed only organic grain. Dan sucked the egg through a 10 ft. hose in 3 seconds.

-SNIP-

8. Holding Their Breath the Longest: As a young man, Jack dreamed of getting a role on the popular television drama “Baywatch.” He spent many hours practicing his “beach jog” and the famous “coming out of water and simultaneously pushing the hair out of your face.” During this process he not only determined that he “looks better as a blonde,” but also that he can hold his breath for nearly 2 minutes. Dan’s breath holding experience is very limited. He tries to always hold his breath while driving by cemeteries, in order to prevent the souls of the dead from moving into his body.

9. Hot Dog Eating Contest: Instead of taking the contest seriously, Jack decided to imitate his favorite comedian Jerry Seinfield by asking, “Who decided to name this a Hot Dog?!? It’s neither hot, nor a dog!” Dan ate 6 hot dogs in 2 minutes. He would have had 7, but someone in the audience yelled “You gotta cup the balls!” and he was momentarily distracted.

-SNIP-

14. Most Reps Bench Pressing 1,000,000 Tea Bags: Jack forfeited when he heard that the tea was not shade-grown. Dan kept putting the tea bags in his mouth and was disqualified.

-SNIP-

17. Performing the Most Gay Marriages: This is a ridiculous question. Neither Dan nor Jack are legally certified to perform gay marriages. But, if Dan and Jack were both Pastors, Jack would perform roughly 300 per year. Dan would get drunk off the communion wine and say that he doesn’t fucking need this job.

-SNIP-

19. Depending Upon Public Transit For a Week Without a Map: Jack only needed to travel in Louisville, so he had no problem getting around. Dan didn’t have anything to do, or any meetings to attend, so he just stayed home for a week.

Click here for the entire 20-category response.

One million Wonkette whore diamonds for this person!

My life is complete after having read that.