8 responses so far ↓

• 1 E // Oct 22, 2009 at 2:06 pm

  Visualizing these contests is too funny…yet painful.

• 2 bigdaddy // Oct 22, 2009 at 3:23 pm

  In a Cage Match — Conway by Rear Naked Choke

  In a Slap Fight — definitely Dr Dan

  Beer Pong — Both would end up shit faced

  Running a Race in High Heels –Dr Dan by a mile

  In a Dance Off — Conway by using his slick queston dodging moves

  Sucking An Egg Through a Water Hose –Dr Dan-He’s kissed so much ass before, and he has no problem sucking at his job now

  Arm Wrestling –Conway uses the St X secret handshake to pull Dan’s arm out of socket

  Holding Their Breath the Longest –Dr Dan- has experience from the high altitude of his massive head

  Hot Dog Eating Contest – Dr Dan once again for obvious reasons

  Best Legs Contest – Conway – I’m sure he keeps them as smooth as his hair

  Swimming a 100-Meter Butterfly in a Mountaintop Removal Sludge Pond – Dr Dan, He’s used to slinging mud

  Scaring Little Children Dr Dan- Look at that face-is he really a terrorist?

  Scaring Old Ladies – Draw- Dr Dan’s face or Conways plastic hair? Hard to call

  Most Reps Bench Pressing 1,000,000 Tea Bags – Conway for bagging teh publoc on real issues

  Armpit Farting the National Anthem – Dr Dan in a landslide. Can you see him laughing the entire time while he intermittently smells his hand? Laughs galore! An instant YouTube classic!

  Negotiating the Best Price for a Covington Hooker – Conway, uses the hair for deep discount

  Performing the Most Gay Marriages – Dan, Conway’s Church would throw him out

  Riding a Mechanical Bull at a Bar – Conway, Impresses with his swagger

  Depending Upon Public Transit For a Week Without a Map – Dr Dan, hitchhikes from downtown Frankfort out to Hazard and back, no one knows who he’s with or where he is

  A Speed Scrabble Match -Conway, Uses “the letter of the law” to defeat Dan in a close match where Dan tries to make up words he thought he knew from med school, but were really French

• 3 Friends of Jennifer // Oct 22, 2009 at 10:03 pm

  In a Cage Match — Mongiardo nearly won his cage fight with Bunning in 2004. Conway isn’t familiar with this sort of thing.

  In a Slap Fight — Isn’t slapping for sissies? Makes it hard to choose.

  Beer Pong — Mongiardo wins. He’s from Hazard. Beer is an appetizer.

  Running a Race in High Heels – Dan is older, so I’m sure he has had more practice. I’m sure they’ve both had some practice.

  In a Dance Off — Dan again. His wife is still fresh from the Franklin County HS prom.

  Sucking An Egg Through a Water Hose – You are asking which one sucks the best? I’m not touching that one.

  Arm Wrestling – I’ve seen Conway’s biceps. He’d win.

  Holding Their Breath the Longest – As if waiting to take a side on an issue – definately Conway. Just ask him about cap-and-trade, or mountaintop removal, or where he would have been on SB245 in 2004? Keep holding your breath.

  Hot Dog Eating Contest – Conway has never eaten a hot dog in his life. That’s so mundane.

  Best Legs Contest – Conway – BigDaddy’s comment cannot be improved upon. I just wonder if his leg hair comes in as many different shades as his head hair.

  Swimming a 100 – Conway is a St. X. boy. Aren’t they all swimmers?

  Scaring Little Children – Mongiardo wins. I mean look at his head, it is way too small for his body. That’s scary. Sidenote – Beshear’s next running mate is just the opposite. His head is way too big for his body.

  Scaring Old Ladies – Didn’t Dan scare Mrs. Bunning at Fancy Farm a few years back?

  Most Reps Bench Pressing 1,000,000 Tea Bags – Conway has muscles, there is no doubt. But Mongiardo probably has more teabagger friends than Jack. Decision Mongiardo.

  Armpit Farting the National Anthem – Conway would never armpit fart – Tom won’t let him do something like that. Dan grew up in an armit farting band.

  Negotiating the Best Price for a Covington Hooker – They both have wives – who needs a hooker?

  Performing the Most Gay Marriages – Gay. Did you say gay. Neither campaign wants that word mentioned. Don’t say gay. No gay, no nothing. They both got married and they both got their women in a family way.

  Riding a Mechanical Bull at a Bar – Conway has probably never done that but he is one tough son-of-a-bitch, so he would have to win just to prove himself. Dan rides mechanical bulls to Chicago.

  Depending Upon Public Transit For a Week Without a Map – Jack has heard they have public transit in Louisville, but he has never really gotten on one. Dan’s in-laws house is just off the “East” line in Frankfort. I think Dan wins.

  A Speed Scrabble Match – Conway and Mongairdo both know Latin. Can they use that in the game. If not, it will be a long night.

• 4 Mister EEE // Oct 23, 2009 at 12:42 am

  1. In a Cage Match: Jack by a landslide. He’s one tough son of a bitch.

  2. In a Slap Fight: Dr Dan knows the touch of death. If you question Dan’s use of the touch of death in a slap fight, Dr. Dan will use the touch on you.

  3. Beer Pong: The game between Jack and Dan started off strong, and it was anyone’s game. Then they started reminiscing of playing beer pong in college, got drunk, and decided to never again bring up the fact that they both went to colleges out of state. Five minutes later, Jack brought up the fact that Dan went to school in another country and Dan slapped him.

  4. Running a Race in High Heels: Jack showed up in a nice pair of Gucci pumps and Dan called him gay for agreeing to a race wearing high heels. Jack slapped Dan. Dan went home and relaxed by putting on a nice pair of pumps.

  5. In a Dance off: Jack showed up and amazed everyone by doing all of the Backstreet Boys dances. Don’t ask. Dan was impressed, hurt, and committed himself to learning all of the NSYNC dances. He missed several meetings that were seemingly important, but followed through and learned the dances.

  6. Sucking An Egg Through a Water Hose: Jack wouldn’t start the competition without a 100% assurance that the egg was from a farm raised chicken fed only organic grain. Dan sucked the egg through a 10 ft. hose in 3 seconds.

  7. Arm Wrestling: Jack by a landslide. He’s one tough son of a bitch.

  8. Holding Their Breath the Longest: As a young man, Jack dreamed of getting a role on the popular television drama “Baywatch.” He spent many hours practicing his “beach jog” and the famous “coming out of water and simultaneously pushing the hair out of your face.” During this process he not only determined that he “looks better as a blonde,” but also that he can hold his breath for nearly 2 minutes. Dan’s breath holding experience is very limited. He tries to always hold his breath while driving by cemeteries, in order to prevent the souls of the dead from moving into his body.

  In conclusion, Jack wins by a landslide, but he also begins to reminisce about his dreams of getting a role on Baywatch, ends up reaching out to his friends/donors in California, and begins negotiations for Baywatch 2012.

  9. Hot Dog Eating Contest: Instead of taking the contest seriously, Jack decided to imitate his favorite comedian Jerry Seinfield by asking, “Who decided to name this a Hot Dog?!? It’s neither hot, nor a dog!” Dan ate 6 hot dogs in 2 minutes. He would have had 7, but someone in the audience yelled “You gotta cup the balls!” and he was momentarily distracted.

  10. Best Legs Contest: Allison has been making Dan shave his legs since they first hooked up in his office. She also likes it when he wears lip gloss and pumps. Jack dyes his leg hair blonde because it makes his calves “pop.” It’s a draw.

  11. Swimming a 100-Meter Butterfly in a Mountaintop Removal Sludge Pond: Dan refused to participate in this so called “contest” because there is no evidence that the pond is actually full of sludge. It’s merely proof of economic growth. Jack never finished the 100-meter race because he kept practicing “coming out of water and simultaneously pushing the hair out of his face.”

  12. Scaring Little Children: Jack told the kids that he’s one tough son of a bitch and they all screamed. Dan told them that he was going to be the next Senator from Kentucky and they all screamed. It was a draw.

  13. Scaring Old Ladies: Dan forced the old ladies to watch him pluck his eyebrows. Two hours later, the ladies were exasperated from screaming, and one of them had passed out. Jack wore a Dan mask and forced the old ladies to watch him pluck his eyebrows. Jack by a landslide.

  14. Most Reps Bench Pressing 1,000,000 Tea Bags: Jack forfeited when he heard that the tea was not shade-grown. Dan kept putting the tea bags in his mouth and was disqualified.

  15. Armpit Farting the National Anthem: Jack took the contest far too seriously and when Dan’s intonation was off in the final cadence, he punched him. Dan cried and went home to put on a nice pair of pumps.

  16. Negotiating the Best Price for a Covington Hooker: Dan approached a very attractive young Hispanic woman, and proposed watching her have sex from behind a one way glass mirror for $40. Jack approached the very same attractive young Hispanic woman and asked if she was happy with her lifestyle and if there was anything he could do to help her get out of the sex trade industry. She ended up fucking him for free. Dan watched.

  17. Performing the Most Gay Marriages: This is a ridiculous question. Neither Dan nor Jack are legally certified to perform gay marriages. But, if Dan and Jack were both Pastors, Jack would perform roughly 300 per year. Dan would get drunk off the communion wine and say that he doesn’t fucking need this job.

  18. Riding a Mechanical Bull at a Bar: Jack crashed the entire party when he questioned whether the bar owner‘s liquor license was up-to-date. He also initiated a $100,000 investigation to determine whether the padding underneath the mechanical bull was OSHA approved. Dan rode the bull for nearly 10 minutes. Later that same night, he told his wife that he was too tired to get intimate.

  19. Depending Upon Public Transit For a Week Without a Map: Jack only needed to travel in Louisville, so he had no problem getting around. Dan didn’t have anything to do, or any meetings to attend, so he just stayed home for a week.

  20. A Speed Scrabble Match: Both Jack and Dan started off strong, until they both started reminiscing about their college day’s playing Scrabble with their dorm mates. Jack began trying to make six syllable words and Dan tried to make words whose root was French-Canadian. Eventually both Jack and Dan realized that a Scrabble match was only important to college-educated liberals, joined together in flipping the board, and began to attempt to appeal to the crazy fucks that live in rural KY.

• 5 jake // Oct 23, 2009 at 9:17 am

  One million whore diamonds for you!

  This is the BEST COMMENT EVER. Ever.

  I would award you a glorious mini sock monkey if you were a local.

• 6 Joe Sonka // Oct 23, 2009 at 9:18 am

  standing O for Mister EEE

• 7 kanyewest // Oct 23, 2009 at 9:42 am

  I’m sorry Mister EEE and I’mma let you finish, but Thom Karmik had the best anonymous comments of ALL TIME!

• 8 curtis morrison // Oct 23, 2009 at 10:25 am

  Clap, clap, clap.
  This is going to make me giggle all day.

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