Hillary Clinton, loser to Barack Obama for the presidential nod, is here for the KDP tonight. That means she’s raising like $100 billion for everyone and she’s now the president of the KDP or whatever. And it’s all because her husband got all red-faced at some old woman. Or maybe because her campaign staff is quietly trying to figure out how Hillz can maintain her warrior image while bowing out gracefully.

Who knows? She’s here!

So are like five hundred million other people and we’re gonna write about it all night. So stick with our fancy live blogging after the jump…

6:30: Just now getting online. KDP is so disorganized it took over an hour to get their poo in check. Give us a few to get organized and keep checking back.

6:34: Guess who has on cowboy boots and a pink tie– it’s not me!

6:42: Every registered lobbyist on earth is here. ON EARTH. All of them. RUN AND HIDE!

7:00: Massive crowd. Joe Sonka, Ben Ray are both here. We’re still sober.

7:11: We’ll have some effing great photos later. Ooooh, juicy.

7:23: Turns out the huge crowd is a result of giving hundreds of tickets away. Got that? GIVING THEM AWAY. Mainly because not as many people as you’d think care about Hillary or whatever.

7:42: Still sober. Bruce Lunsford and Greg Fischer were side by side and Fischer didn’t even bother to acknowledge the situation. Didn’t say hello. Didn’t shake hands. AWKWARD MOMENT.

7:49: Just got the program started. Councilman David Tandy is making baaaad jokes about 11 herbs and spices and crap that… zzzzzzzzz. Back in a few.

7:55: Jennifer Moore’s speaking about Walnuts McCain. She hasn’t said “Democrat” Party at all. Not once. There’s lots at stake. We have to move forward. Tonight is the first step in our long journey to TAKE OVER THE WORLD FROM THE MEAN OBAMA PEOPLE… err.. something like that.

8:02: All kinds of National Anthem singing going on. Everyone is whisper-singing because they’re half-drunk. The gay mafia is out in full force this evening. Jody Richards just showed up with his beautiful orange hair. OOOH. My Old Kentucky Home. It says “GAY” in it. Gay. In the song about Kentucky. We love this.

8:09: Jennifer’s introducing everyone and their mom. No one booed for Bruce. Pretty even levels of cheering.

8:10: No boos for John Y. Brown, Jr. either. The intros are FINALLY over. John Yarmuth is up now.

8:16: Yarmuth has lots of jokes about the senate minority leader and Anne Northup. All kinds of cheering. Unfortunately there are some rude ass people who can’t stop screaming Hillary’s name while John is trying to speak. Ruuude bitches. We’ll have your photos up later.

8:23: Dan Mongiardo’s up talking about having a Democratic president or something? National press just arrived. This means Hillary’s here. They all smelled like dirty airplane people.

8:24: It’s not even 8:30. We’re ready for a nap. Dan now sounds like he’s from eastern Kentucky, unlike during the Ford dinner when he sounded like city folk. Bad jokes, kids, bad jokes. Also, Stephen George of LEO is keeping me sane. We got the best seats in the house.

8:26: Did you know like a hundred press folks travel with Hillz? Jeez. They’re crowding us.

8:27: OMG. Dan Mongiado knows who Glenn Beck is. WTF. Wow. Who knew Mr. Hates the Gays knew things like that?

8:30: Beshear’s up. “Ain’t it a good tahm to be a Dem-uh-crat?!” Because of Dubya the country has been left in shambles. Awkward cheering. My friend, our economy is in a mess! $4/gal gasoline! Everyone despises us or whatever. Dubya dragged us down to the depths. All kinds of cheering. Hillary’s definitely in the building. Did you know we had a Republican in the governor’s mansion? Lots of grand juries came in and stuff. 5th Amendment. Indictments. Progress. Cheering. The nat’l press folks look sleepy. Bed head. It must be awful flying across the country with a presidential candidate.

9:16: HUUUUUGE BOOOS! Terry McBrayer is a hack son of a bitch. It’s official. Nasty joke about putting Obama’s face on a Dean’s Milk carton with Heather French Henry, wife of the most crooked man in Kentucky. GAG me with whatever you’ve got. Vomit.

9:17: Hillary’s on stage with Terry McBrayer, Jennifer Moore. Forgot to mention that.

9:18: Did we mention that Terry’s a fucking hack? I’ve never heard boos like that before. OMG.

9:19: Boring story about Barbara Walters and land mines. What?

9:19: The national press is gagging. Puking everywhere. They’ve been poisoned by McBrayer.

9:20: We’re moments away from Hillary Clinton giving her own campaign eulogy. Fitting for a losing campaign nationally. What on earth is Kentucky thinking?

9:20: Hillz is yapping. Gonna go take photos amidst throngs of old ladies and gays.

9:28: She sounds exhausted. Deflated (thanks, Stephen, nice choice of words). Lots of talk about Democrats ousting Dubya and Unka Dick. Woops. Voice is ruh ro. Hoarse. Crazy amounts of cheering over the Louisville Slugger and going to bat.

9:29: Forgot to mention that Jennifer Moore needs to just admit she’s backing Clinton.

9:30: Tonight across Kentucky teachers are grading papers. Did you know that?

9:31: This is kind of sad. Depressing mood in the air tonight. Lots of folks realizing that their dream of electing the first female president has been flushed down the drain. But it’s sad. For real.

9:33: It took a Clinton to clean up the last Bush… er… to clean up after the last Bush. Also, did you know Kentucky always selects the president? Hillz is predicting the future of a McCain Presidency or whatever.

9:33: She wants to be held! Accountable, that is! Jobs jobs jobs. Start growing jobs.

9:34: Hillz is president of Kentucky. Clean coal.

9:35: We’re gonna let some oil out to create some downward pressure. OPEC is a monopoly cartel. OOoh. Remember that Sopranos spoof of hers? Oh, the memories, Hillz. The memories.

9:36: She’s seriously pushing on. For real. She’s not trying to bow out gracefully. The woman truly believes she’ll be victorious.

9:36: Just heard from several Clinton campaign staffers. They tell me that Steve Henry is being a difficult landlord. Imagine that.

9:37: She’s talking about rich folks paying taxes. $109 million dollars worth of rich. Mmm hmm. People are still eating their Papa John’s. It’s three hours and forty minutes since the doors opened and people are STILL eating overpriced pizza. The dirty common people in the grandstand, that is. The rich folk like, well, okay, the KDP… those rich folks get to eat all kinds of fancy KDP food and drink cheap wine.

9:40: Who let the drunk housewives in? We can’t hear. It hurts.

9:41: We’re gonna withdraw our troops in 60 days. Because Hillary is the president and what she says goes.

9:44: Senator McCain is a good man but he’s gonna give us more of the same. Did you know he’s Dubya’s twin?

9:46: Did you know she brought health care to SIX BILLION CHILDREN? Serious. Not a typo. Also, she will bring free pills and botox to every cougar lady in the land.

9:47: Wait. Shrinking violet? If we weren’t gay a few minutes ago, we certainly are now.

9:47: MAKE IT STOP! Awful Georgia O’Keefe imagery! Where’s the cheap wine, Jennifer? PONY UP. We need to be drunk. Now.

9:48: A woman or an african american can be the president of the U.S. and A. And she wants you to look at her record. Georgia O’Keefe. Georgia O’Keefe.

9:53: God Bless the United States of the America and the Iraq and such. It’s over. Millions of drunk housewives are storming Hillz as she runs off stage into the arms of Jerry Lundergan and some other fancy dudes.

9:56: Lexington reporters were left out. They didn’t get called. Nor did the state’s most far-reaching radio reporter. But Louisville media? They get one-on-ones. Jennifer Moore and the Clinton Campaign should be ashamed. Expect some bad press in the coming days. Woopsie daisy.

10:00: We’re totally waiting for all the traffic to die down before we leave. Ugh. That parking bill is going to be expensive. Lots of loud Foo Fighters music. We’re gonna call the live blogging done. See ya in a bit (or in the morning) with photos. Too many people mulling about. Did I mention that we’re all still sober? GOODNIGHT!

12:31: P.S. Despite the disorganization, headaches and obscene duration, the event was pretty all right.