Thanks to our glorious legislature and news media for, you know, keeping us half-asleep all day. In honor of the all-around blah of the day we figured it’d be best to share some hilarious crap from our Intrepid Reporter with you.

Quite possibly the funniest story in weeks:

Sex Offender Running For Texas Mayor, While Naked

Let’s turn our attention ever so briefly to Wilmer, Texas, a town of 3,400 patriotic citizens outside of Dallas. Wilmer has an important mayoral election on May 10. The incumbent, Don Hudson, could lose his seat to James Brian Sliter, 42. Sliter is an accountant by trade (and a real whiz at it, we hear!), and he also really, really likes trying to have sex with 15-year-old girls he meets on the Internet.

Second funniest:

President George Bush’s Sex Tour Of Easter

Because Easter celebrates fertility and ancient pagan sex rituals, the day after Easter George Bush likes to invite children to his house to observe his fecund daughter Jenna and look on in wonderment as he indulges in subtle anal play with the Easter Bunny. Join us on this appalling tour of the filthiest Easter Egg Roll since last year’s!

On the last-ditch effort of Steve Beshear to push his failed and embarrassing casino strategery:

The Rev. Nancy Jo Kemper, executive director of the Kentucky Council of Churches, compared the rally to “whipping a dead horse with a wet noodle.”

Mmm. Noodles. (We’re hungry…)

OMG. Jim Gooch walks it out Michael Jackson Style! Watch this. DO IT. Can’t breathe. Laughter. Dying.